As a religious person, I hit patches where I feel guiltier about sex than other times. I do think it’s morally wrong and I find it to be a copout when Christian people claim that God is all on board with their banging strangers because I think he’s pretty clear about promiscuous sex being on the list of “do-not-do’s.” (If you’re not familiar with this, I’m fairly certain the majority of college students hold this belief).
However, I do have sex with my male boyfriend. Lots of sex. Kind of weird sex, super-definitely-weird sex, or vanilla sex, depending on the day. We’re exclusive, we have been dating a long time, it makes him happy, it makes me feel close to him, and we use birth control AND condoms. Altogether, I feel like it’s a pretty reasonable decision to have sex with him.
Which brings me to something I feel much less comfortable with: my attraction to females.
As a 21-year-old, I’ve had about the same amount of sexual experiences with females as your typical high school sophomore boy. Picture him as a socially awkward, extra sweaty sophomore boy and it’ll give you an even better idea.
I am unsure if I am so inexperienced because I feel guilty about my attraction or if it’s due to the fact that I never sought out the opportunity to have those sorts of experiences (although the two are likely not unrelated). Additionally, I have friends who would be pretty uncomfortable with the idea that I like women. I don’t entirely blame them, because sleepovers and sharing hotel beds with me is about equivalent to sharing them with a straight male (which they also wouldn’t be comfortable with).
I also tend to not tell people I am attracted to women because I don’t feel that my sex life is their business. Why should they know I like women any more than they should know that I like to put things up my boyfriend’s butt (which they forsure do not need to know about).
Even as I’m writing this, I realized I haven’t actually said the word “bisexual,” only “attracted to women,” like it’s simply a fetish.
But it’s not a fetish. It’s a very real part of me, present since I was 13, but the only person who knows the extent of my attraction is my boyfriend.
Since I will soon be moving to a new place, where I will meet new friends, I am considering using the term “bisexual” to describe myself openly. That way I’m not forced to have an awkward coming-out-thing two years through our friendship when they accidentally see the search history on my computer.
On the contrary, I am also considering not doing this because, as I stated before, it’s not really any of their concern. Also, since I have a boyfriend, I likely won’t be fulfilling my desire for women anytime soon. Although the latter point is not completely off the table since he is a very understanding person who would be comfortable with me hooking up with a woman (under certain parameters).
Truthfully, I am unsure how I should approach this, but the idea that I could own my sexuality is exciting to me.